# What does the Big Book say about self-pity and jealousy?

**In short:**
- The Big Book never defines self-pity or jealousy and gives neither its own section. Both turn up inside lists, next to fear, resentment, selfishness and dishonesty. Self-pity is named as one of the drivers of the self-centeredness the book calls "the root of our troubles" ([p. 62](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-62/)); jealousy sits beside resentment and fear among the alcoholic's "greatest enemies" ([p. 145](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-145/)).
- Self-pity is part of the drinking and of the self-run life: Bill's "bitter morass of self-pity" ([p. 8](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-8/)), the actor who becomes "angry, indignant, self-pitying" ([p. 61](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-61/)). What the book offers against it is God's help and turning toward other people. In the Promises, "That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear." ([p. 84](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-84/)), and Bill writes that when waves of self-pity and resentment nearly drove him back to drink, work with another alcoholic "would save the day" ([p. 15](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-15/)).
- Jealousy is named among "The greatest enemies of us alcoholics" ([p. 145](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-145/)) and called "that most terrible human emotion—jealousy" ([p. 82](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-82/)). Most of the book's jealousy passages are about the home: jealousy the alcoholic's own conduct caused ([pp. 69](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-69/), 82, 100), and the family's jealousy of his time with other alcoholics, his new faith and his outside interests ([pp. 119](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-119/), 128, 131).
- Both are also on the list of feelings a drinker used to justify a spree, a justification the book calls "insanely insufficient" ([p. 37](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-37/)).

## Where the words are

In [pp. 1–164](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-1/) the book uses "self-pity" or "self-pitying" on [pp. 8](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-8/), 15, 61, 62, 84, 86, 88, 104, 105, 116 and 127, and once describes a husband who feels "lonely, sorry for himself" ([p. 81](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-81/)). "Jealous," "jealousy" or "jealousies" is on [pp. 37](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-37/), 69, 82, 100, 119, 128, 131, 145 and 161. "Envy" appears once, in the list on [p. 145](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-145/).

## Self-pity

**In the drinking.** Bill, after his wife has been told he will die or end up in an asylum ([p. 7](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-7/)), writes of "the loneliness and despair I found in that bitter morass of self-pity." ([p. 8](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-8/)). In Chapter 8, the wives remember husbands whose self-pity spoiled the few social evenings they had left: if the men took nothing to drink, "their self-pity made them killjoys." ([p. 105](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-105/))

**In the self-run life.** Chapter 5's actor, who wants to run the whole show, finds the play never suits him. He blames other people more than himself and "becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying" ([p. 61](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-61/)). The book asks whether he is "not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind?" ([p. 61](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-61/)), then turns to the reader: "Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity?" ([p. 62](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-62/)). The diagnosis that follows is self-centeredness, and self-pity is one of its drivers: "Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate." ([p. 62](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-62/)). The book says this can't be fixed alone: "Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power." ([p. 62](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-62/)). See: *What do "selfishness—self-centeredness!" and "self-will run riot" mean in the Big Book?*

**In sobriety.** Self-pity doesn't stop when the drinking does. Bill, sober and short of work for a year and a half, writes that he was plagued by waves of self-pity and resentment ([p. 15](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-15/)). It "sometimes nearly drove me back to drink," and what worked "when all other measures failed" was work with another alcoholic ([p. 15](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-15/)).

**What the book asks.** The pattern across the passages is the same: self-pity is met by asking God's help and turning outward.
- The Promises, at the end of the amends work: "That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear." ([p. 84](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-84/)), in the same breath as "We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows." ([p. 84](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-84/))
- Step Eleven, each morning: "we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives." ([p. 86](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-86/))
- Through the day, saying "Thy will be done," we are "in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions." ([p. 88](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-88/))

Self-pity is not one of the four things Step Ten names to watch for daily ("selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear," [p. 84](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-84/)), and it isn't among the four in the nightly review's question, "Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid?" ([p. 86](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-86/)). It comes up in the morning meditation instead ([p. 86](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-86/)).

**The families had it too.** The wives in Chapter 8 don't write as if self-pity belonged to the drinker only: "We have had long rendezvous with hurt pride, frustration, self-pity, misunderstanding and fear." ([p. 104](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-104/)), and "like everybody else, we were afflicted with pride, self-pity, vanity and all the things which go to make up the self-centered person" ([p. 116](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-116/)). Chapter 9 says family talks about each person's shortcomings will be constructive if they're held "without heated argument, self-pity, self-justification or resentful criticism." ([p. 127](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-127/))

## Jealousy

**Among the "greatest enemies."** In Chapter 10, addressed to employers: "The greatest enemies of us alcoholics are resentment, jealousy, envy, frustration, and fear." ([p. 145](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-145/)). The paragraph goes on to office rivalries and the alcoholic's idea that people are trying to pull him down, which it says is often not so ([p. 145](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-145/)).

**Jealousy the alcoholic caused.** The sex inventory in Chapter 5 asks: "Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness?" ([p. 69](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-69/)). In the amends at home, a man admitting an affair to his wife is told it is better not to "needlessly name a person upon whom she can vent jealousy." ([p. 82](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-82/)), and to "Keep it always in sight that we are dealing with that most terrible human emotion—jealousy." ([p. 82](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-82/)). Chapter 7 tells the person helping a newcomer to urge the family to treat him as a sick person and to "warn against arousing resentment or jealousy." ([p. 100](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-100/))

**Jealousy in the family afterward.** Three passages describe the family's jealousy once the drinking stops, and each time the book's answer is to make room rather than pull the man back:
- A wife "may become jealous of the attention he bestows on other people, especially alcoholics." ([p. 119](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-119/)). The book says "he should work with other people to maintain his own sobriety," that it's "a real mistake to dampen his enthusiasm for alcoholic work," and that she should join in as much as she can ([p. 119](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-119/)).
- When the father turns religious enthusiast, the family "may be jealous of a God who has stolen dad's affections." ([p. 128](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-128/)). The book asks the family to see it as a phase and not to condemn it, and says that if they cooperate, dad will come to see that a spiritual life which leaves out his family obligations is lopsided ([p. 129](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-129/)).
- When he takes up clubs, civic duties and sports again, "a feeling of jealousy may arise." ([p. 131](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-131/)). "Each will have to yield here and there," the book says, and the time he spends with other alcoholics "should be balanced" ([p. 131](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-131/)).

**As an excuse to drink.** Chapter 3 lists jealousy among the feelings drinkers used to justify going out to get drunk: "nervousness, anger, worry, depression, jealousy or the like" ([p. 37](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-37/)). The book's verdict: "our justification for a spree was insanely insufficient in the light of what always happened." ([p. 37](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-37/))

**In the early fellowship.** Describing the Akron and Cleveland meetings in 1939: "Social distinctions, petty rivalries and jealousies—these are laughed out of countenance." ([p. 161](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-161/))

## What the text doesn't do

It doesn't treat self-pity or jealousy as separate problems with their own technique. They appear in the same lists as resentment and fear, and the book handles them the way it handles self in general: inventory, God's help, amends, and work with others ([pp. 62](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-62/), 84, 86, 88). See: *Where is "resentment is the number one offender," and what does it mean?* and *What do Steps 10 and 11 ask, day to day?*

## Later A.A. writing (dated)

- In a 1955 Grapevine piece reprinted in P-17, Bill W. lists what the early members had to give up besides alcohol: "We had to toss self-justification, self-pity, and anger right out the window." (P-17, "Why Alcoholics Anonymous Is Anonymous," 1955)
- *Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers* (1980) records the wife of A.A. number three remembering Bill W. telling her, when she said she had no sins, "but how about self-pity and fear and worry?" (*Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers*, 1980). This is a member's recollection decades later, not program text.

## Read it yourself
- Chapter 1, "Bill's Story" ([pp. 8](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-8/), 15): https://www.aa.org/sites/default/files/2021-11/en_bigbook_chapt1.pdf
- Chapter 3, "More About Alcoholism" ([p. 37](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-37/)): https://www.aa.org/sites/default/files/2021-11/en_bigbook_chapt3.pdf
- Chapter 5, "How It Works" ([pp. 60–62](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-60/), 69): https://www.aa.org/sites/default/files/2021-11/en_bigbook_chapt5.pdf
- Chapter 6, "Into Action" ([pp. 81–88](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-81/)): https://www.aa.org/sites/default/files/2021-11/en_bigbook_chapt6.pdf
- Chapter 7, "Working With Others" ([p. 100](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-100/)): https://www.aa.org/sites/default/files/2021-11/en_bigbook_chapt7.pdf
- Chapter 8, "To Wives" ([pp. 104–105](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-104/), 116, 119): https://www.aa.org/sites/default/files/2021-11/en_bigbook_chapt8.pdf
- Chapter 9, "The Family Afterward" ([pp. 127–131](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-127/)): https://www.aa.org/sites/default/files/2021-11/en_bigbook_chapt9.pdf
- Chapter 10, "To Employers" ([p. 145](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-145/)): https://www.aa.org/sites/default/files/2021-11/en_bigbook_chapt10.pdf
- Chapter 11, "A Vision for You" ([p. 161](https://recoverystarts.com/big-book/page-161/)): https://www.aa.org/sites/default/files/2021-11/en_bigbook_chapt11.pdf
- P-17, *A.A. Tradition — How It Developed* (A.A.'s free copy): https://www.aa.org/sites/default/files/literature/assets/p-17_AATraditions.pdf
- Related: *Where are "the Promises," and what do they promise?* · *What happens to the family after the drinking stops?*
- The full books are sold by A.A. World Services at https://onlineliterature.aa.org

## Sources
| Source | Pages | Date |
|---|---|---|
| *Alcoholics Anonymous*, Chapters 1, 3, 5–11 | 8, 15, 37, 61–62, 69, 81–88, 100, 104–105, 116, 119, 127–131, 145, 161 | 1939 |
| P-17, "Why Alcoholics Anonymous Is Anonymous" (Bill W.) | — | 1955 |
| *Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers* | — | 1980 |

Page numbers are from the fourth edition (2001).

*Recovery Starts is independent and not affiliated with Alcoholics Anonymous. Quotations are brief and cited; the Big Book is © A.A. World Services, Inc. P-17's articles are © AA Grapevine, Inc.*