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Is "expectations are premeditated resentments" in the Big Book?

In short:

  • No. "Expectations are premeditated resentments" isn't in the Big Book or anywhere else in our sources. The word "expectations" doesn't appear in the Big Book's main text at all; it is only in two members' stories (pp. 420, 556) and in later books.
  • The resentment inventory in Chapter 5 doesn't trace resentment to expectations. It finds that our self-esteem, pocketbooks, ambitions or personal relationships "were hurt or threatened" (pp. 64–65), and it traces the trouble to self: "Selfishness—self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles." (p. 62)
  • The idea behind the saying does have neighbours in the main text: the actor who thinks the show would be great "if only people would do as he wished" (p. 61); the family who "expect him to give them the nice times" and find that "Resentment grows" (p. 126); and the wife told "you must not expect too much" (p. 118).

What the search found

All our sources were searched for "premeditated resentment," "premeditated resentments," "planned resentments," "expectations are," "expectation," "expectations" and "premeditated," with page breaks joined. The saying isn't there. "Premeditated" appears once, in a member's story, about a planned drunk: "It is a cold-blooded idea. It is premeditated." (p. 217). The main text's one "premeditation" is about drinking too: "the period of premeditation" before a deliberate spree (p. 37). "Expectations" is in two members' stories (pp. 420, 556), A.A. Comes of Age (1957), Pass It On (1984), Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers (1980), P-8 and the Service Manual, always in the ordinary sense of what someone hoped would happen.

What the resentment inventory does say (pp. 62–67)

The inventory starts from self. The book has just said that the alcoholic is "an extreme example of self-will run riot" (p. 62), and that we "invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt" (p. 62). In Step Four, self's "common manifestations" are looked at, and resentment comes first: "Resentment is the 'number one' offender." (p. 64)

How the resentments are taken apart:

  • List the people, institutions or principles we were angry with, and ask why (p. 64). "In most cases it was found that our self-esteem, our pocketbooks, our ambitions, our personal relationships (including sex) were hurt or threatened." (pp. 64–65)
  • Set beside each name what was affected (p. 65). The book's sample columns are "I'm resentful at:" (the person or institution), "The Cause" and "Affects my:" (p. 65); there is no column for what we expected.
  • See where fighting got us: "the more we fought and tried to have our own way, the worse matters got." (p. 66)
  • See that "the world and its people really dominated us" (p. 66), and that resentments can't be wished away (p. 66).
  • See the person as perhaps spiritually sick, and ask God's help to show them tolerance, pity and patience (pp. 66–67), and look for our own part: "Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened?" (p. 67)

So the book's account of where resentment comes from is self, threatened or hurt, and our own earlier decisions based on self (pp. 62, 64–65), not unmet expectations as such. See: Where is "resentment is the number one offender," and what does it mean?

Where the main text comes close

The saying's thought, that wanting others to act as we planned sets us up for anger, has neighbours in the main text, put in other words:

  • The actor (Chapter 5). He tries to arrange everything, and "If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great." (p. 61) When the show doesn't come off, "He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying." (p. 61) The book calls him a self-seeker, not a man with high expectations (p. 61). See: What do "selfishness—self-centeredness!" and "self-will run riot" mean in the Big Book?
  • The family (Chapter 9). After dad sobers up, the family "think father owes them more than they are getting" (p. 126). "They expect him to give them the nice times they used to have before he drank so much" (p. 126), he doesn't give freely of himself, and "Resentment grows." (p. 126) The book's remedy runs both ways: "Little by little, mother and children will see they ask too much, and father will see he gives too little." (pp. 127–128)
  • The wife (Chapter 8). "Your husband knows he owes you more than sobriety. He wants to make good. Yet you must not expect too much." (p. 118) She carries "a picture of the ideal man" (p. 118) and is told to be patient, since he is just beginning his development (p. 118). On the same pages the book warns: "Never forget that resentment is a deadly hazard to an alcoholic." (p. 117)

Note that none of these passages calls expectations resentments, and Chapter 9 says both sides "may have some justification" (p. 126). They show demands on others turning sour, which is the nearest the main text comes.

In members' stories (not program text)

Two stories in the fourth edition (2001) use "expectations," and they are members' own experience:

  • In "Acceptance Was the Answer" (pp. 407–420), the writer says "my serenity is inversely proportional to my expectations" (p. 420). The same story's line about acceptance is the subject of its own page. See: Is "Acceptance is the answer" part of the main text?
  • In "A.A. Taught Him to Handle Sobriety" (pp. 553–559), the writer speaks of his performance failing "to live up to my own expectations of myself" (p. 556), about expectations of himself, not of others.

Neither says expectations are resentments.

What this means

"Expectations are premeditated resentments" is a later saying, not in any book in our sources. The Big Book's resentment inventory traces resentment to self, hurt or threatened (pp. 62–65), and answers it by seeing the other person as sick, asking God's help to be tolerant, and looking for our own part (pp. 66–67). Where the book talks about expecting things of other people, it tells a wife not to expect too much (p. 118) and shows a family's demands turning to resentment (pp. 126–127), in its own words.

Read it yourself

Sources

Source Pages Date
All our sources (searched): Big Book, pamphlets, history, stories, service — various
Alcoholics Anonymous, Chapters 3, 5, 8, 9 37, 61–67, 117–118, 126–128 1939
Personal stories, Parts I–III ("premeditated," "expectations") 217, 420, 556 fourth edition (2001)

Recovery Starts is independent and not affiliated with Alcoholics Anonymous. Quotations are brief and cited; the Big Book is © A.A. World Services, Inc.

These pages answer questions about A.A. from A.A.'s own published literature, read in full, with every quote checked word for word against the page it cites. Recovery Starts is independent and not affiliated with Alcoholics Anonymous. What we read, and when each source was written.