What does Step Nine's "except when to do so would injure them or others" mean? (Do I tell my spouse about an affair?)
In short:
- Step Nine reads: "Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." (p. 59) The Big Book never defines the clause in a sentence. Chapter 6 shows it at work: we are not to be "the hasty and foolish martyr who would needlessly sacrifice others to save himself" (p. 79), and before drastic action that might implicate other people "we secure their consent" (p. 80).
- The exception is about harm to other people, not cost to ourselves. Of our own losses the book says "We may lose our position or reputation or face jail, but we are willing." (p. 79)
- On an affair the book gives its experience, not a rule. If the wife doesn't know, should she be told? "Not always, we think." (p. 81) If she knows in a general way, admit the fault but don't name the other person: "we have no right to involve another person" (p. 81). It adds that "there may be justifiable exceptions" (p. 81), that perhaps some cases demand "the utmost frankness" (p. 82), and that "No outsider can appraise such an intimate situation." (p. 82)
- Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers (1980) gives a story from Akron in 1935 and concludes the clause "didn't get in by mistake" (Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers, 1980). That is the 1980 writers' reading, not something Bill wrote in 1939.
The Step and the same idea elsewhere in the book
Step Nine is on page 59. The list it works from was made during the inventory (p. 76), and Step Nine is where we go out to our fellows and "repair the damage done in the past" (p. 76). The idea in its last clause appears twice before the book reaches amends:
- In the Fifth Step. We may talk to one of our own family, "but we cannot disclose anything to our wives or our parents which will hurt them and make them unhappy" (p. 74). "We have no right to save our own skin at another person's expense." (p. 74) Such parts of the story go to someone who will understand, "yet be unaffected" (p. 74), and "The rule is we must be hard on ourself, but always considerate of others." (p. 74)
- In the sex inventory. "We must be willing to make amends where we have done harm, provided that we do not bring about still more harm in so doing." (p. 69)
How Chapter 6 applies it
Chapter 6 doesn't treat the exception as a way out of hard amends. It first says the opposite: we ask for strength and direction to do the right thing "no matter what the personal consequences may be" (p. 79), and "We must not shrink at anything." (p. 79)
Then it turns: "Usually, however, other people are involved." (p. 79) That is where the exception comes in.
- The man who owed alimony. He had a warrant out for his arrest. Walking up to the judge would have been "impressive heroics" (p. 79), but in jail "he could provide nothing for either family" (p. 79). So he wrote his first wife, admitted his faults, sent a small amount of money, and said he was willing to go to jail if she insisted (p. 79). The injury the book is avoiding here is to two families, not to him.
- Consent first. "Before taking drastic action which might implicate other people we secure their consent." (p. 80) If we have permission, have consulted others and asked God's help, and the drastic step is still indicated, "we must not shrink" (p. 80).
- The man who ruined a rival. He feared that reopening the affair would destroy his partner's reputation, disgrace his family and take away his living (p. 80), and asked "What right had he to involve those dependent upon him?" (p. 80). After consulting his wife and partner, he decided it was better to take those risks than to stand before his Creator guilty of the slander, and made a public explanation at church (p. 80). So the risk to others was weighed and talked over with them. It wasn't used to call the amends off.
The affair (pp. 80–82)
The book takes up "domestic troubles" next, in its own 1939 terms: a husband "mixed up with women in a fashion we wouldn't care to have advertised" (pp. 80–81), and perhaps a "secret and exciting affair" (p. 81). It says what to do in steps:
- Something usually has to be done. "Whatever the situation, we usually have to do something about it." (p. 81)
- If she doesn't know. "If we are sure our wife does not know, should we tell her? Not always, we think." (p. 81)
- If she knows in a general way. "Undoubtedly we should admit our fault." (p. 81) She may want every particular, including who the woman is and where she is. The book's answer: we have no right to involve another person; we are sorry, and, God willing, it won't be repeated. "More than that we cannot do; we have no right to go further." (p. 81)
- Not a rule. The writers add that there may be "justifiable exceptions," and that they "wish to lay down no rule of any sort" (p. 81). They had "often found this the best course to take." (p. 81) Needlessly naming the other person is better avoided, so the wife isn't given someone "upon whom she can vent jealousy" (p. 82).
- Some cases are different. "Perhaps there are some cases where the utmost frankness is demanded." (p. 82) No outsider can judge it. The couple may both decide to "let by-gones be by-gones" (p. 82), and each might pray about it, "having the other one's happiness uppermost in mind" (p. 82). The book warns that this is "that most terrible human emotion—jealousy" (p. 82).
So the book's answer to "do I tell my spouse?" is not a yes or a no. It is: admit the fault where she already knows, don't drag a third person in, and decide the rest with the other person's happiness first, not your own relief. Chapter 9 adds what happens when old affairs are dug up later: couples who had forgiven each other found one would "unearth the old affair and angrily cast its ashes about" (p. 124), so the book thinks that "unless some good and useful purpose is to be served, past occurrences should not be discussed" (p. 125).
Chapter 6's passage is written about a husband's affair. Chapter 9 does mention situations where "the alcoholic or his wife have had love affairs" (p. 124), and its advice about not digging them up applies to both. See: What happens to the family after the drinking stops?
What it doesn't excuse
The exception covers injury to others. It doesn't cover our own embarrassment or loss: the book lists losing position, reputation and freedom as things we must be willing to face (p. 79). It also expects the amends at home to be more than words: "A remorseful mumbling that we are sorry won't fill the bill at all." (p. 83) Where a wrong really can't be righted, "We don't worry about them if we can honestly say to ourselves that we would right them if we could." (p. 83) See: How does the Big Book say to make amends? and Who do I tell my Fifth Step to?
Why the clause is there: a 1980 account
The word-of-mouth program before the Big Book, as Bill later recalled it, had a step that read "We made restitution to all those we had harmed by our drinking" (A.A. Comes of Age, 1957), with no exception. Bill gave those six steps as "approximately" what was said (A.A. Comes of Age, 1957). Pass It On prints an "approximate reconstruction" of Bill's lost first draft of the Twelve Steps, in which Step Nine already has the clause (Pass It On, 1984).
Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers (1980) tells of Eddie R., whom Bill and Dr. Bob worked with in the summer of 1935 (Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers, 1980). Bill wrote Lois of "a frightful explosion" with Eddie and his wife (Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers, 1980). In the same pages Bill recalls that Eddie beat his wife (Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers, 1980). The book says the explosion "Evidently" came about because Eddie's wife had, "in the Oxford Group tradition, openly confessed to and made amends for an indiscretion of which Eddie didn't approve" (Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers, 1980), and concludes that the Ninth Step's limitation "didn't get in by mistake" (Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers, 1980).
That is the 1980 writers' inference, put with an "evidently." Our sources have nothing from Bill in 1939 saying why he wrote the clause. The Big Book's own reasons are the ones above: the people the amends would touch.
Read it yourself
- Chapter 5, "How It Works" (Step Nine, p. 59; the sex inventory, p. 69): https://www.aa.org/sites/default/files/2021-11/en_bigbook_chapt5.pdf
- Chapter 6, "Into Action" (Fifth Step, p. 74; amends, pp. 76–83): https://www.aa.org/sites/default/files/2021-11/en_bigbook_chapt6.pdf
- Chapter 9, "The Family Afterward" (pp. 124–125): https://www.aa.org/sites/default/files/2021-11/en_bigbook_chapt9.pdf
- The full books, including Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers, are sold by A.A. World Services: https://onlineliterature.aa.org
Sources
| Source | Pages | Date |
|---|---|---|
| Alcoholics Anonymous, Chapters 5, 6 and 9 | 59, 69, 74, 76, 79–83, 124–125 | 1939 |
| A.A. Comes of Age (the six steps, "approximately") | — | 1957 |
| Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers (Eddie R., 1935) | — | 1980 |
| Pass It On (reconstruction of the first draft of the Steps) | — | 1984 |
Recovery Starts is independent and not affiliated with Alcoholics Anonymous. Quotations are brief and cited; the Big Book is © A.A. World Services, Inc.
These pages answer questions about A.A. from A.A.'s own published literature, read in full, with every quote checked word for word against the page it cites. Recovery Starts is independent and not affiliated with Alcoholics Anonymous. What we read, and when each source was written.