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How does the Big Book say to make amends?

In short:

  • Steps 8 and 9 are explained in Chapter 6, "Into Action," pages 76 to 83. The list comes from the Fourth Step inventory; then "we go out to our fellows and repair the damage done in the past" (p. 76).
  • Go in person where you can, talk about your own faults and not theirs, and don't argue: "We are there to sweep off our side of the street" (p. 77).
  • Be willing to pay the full cost yourself, but don't harm other people to clear your conscience. Get the consent of anyone your amends would involve (p. 80).
  • At home, saying sorry isn't enough. The book asks for a long, patient change in how you live (pp. 82–83).

The Steps

Step 8: "Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all." Step 9: "Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." (p. 59)

Where the list comes from

"We made it when we took inventory" (p. 76). The Fourth Step already listed the people we'd hurt (p. 70). Now the job is to "sweep away the debris" left by living on self-will (p. 76). If we haven't the will to do it, "we ask until it comes" (p. 76). The book reminds the reader of the agreement made at the start, to go to any lengths for victory over alcohol (p. 76).

How to approach people

  • Lead with good will, not religion. With some people we "need not, and probably should not" emphasize the spiritual side on the first approach (p. 76). Announcing that we've "gone religious" to someone still smarting from our injustice is "leading with the chin" (p. 77). He'll be more impressed by "a sincere desire to set right the wrong" (p. 77). This isn't an excuse to dodge the subject of God when it would help (p. 77).
  • The real purpose isn't just tidying our lives; it is to fit ourselves "to be of maximum service to God and the people about us" (p. 77).
  • Go to enemies too. It's harder than going to a friend but more beneficial (p. 77). Go "in a helpful and forgiving spirit" (p. 77), admit the old ill feeling, express regret.
  • Don't criticize or argue. "His faults are not discussed. We stick to our own." (p. 78) Most of the time it goes well; if someone throws us out of his office, "We have made our demonstration, done our part" (p. 78).

Money owed

Don't dodge creditors. Tell them what you're trying to do, don't hide the drinking, arrange the best deal you can and let them know you're sorry (p. 78). "We must lose our fear of creditors no matter how far we have to go" (p. 78), because fear of facing them can lead to drinking.

When amends could cost you, or others

The book is direct that amends can be costly. Facing a possible criminal offence or a debt that could cost a job, members asked for strength to do the right thing "no matter what the personal consequences may be" (p. 79): "We may lose our position or reputation or face jail, but we are willing" (p. 79).

But other people are usually involved, so "we are not to be the hasty and foolish martyr" (p. 79) who sacrifices others to save himself. Its example: a man owed alimony and faced arrest. Walking into court would have been heroic, but in jail he could support neither family. So he wrote to his first wife, admitted his faults, sent a little money, and said he'd go to jail if she insisted (p. 79). The rule the book draws: "Before taking drastic action which might implicate other people we secure their consent" (p. 80). Then, if the drastic step is still called for, "we must not shrink" (p. 80). Another member, after consulting his wife and partner, cleared a rival he'd ruined by standing up in church and explaining (p. 80).

Amends at home

  • Infidelity. If a wife doesn't know, should she be told? "Not always, we think" (p. 81). If she knows in a general way, admit the fault, but don't name the other person: "we have no right to involve another person" (p. 81). The writers add that they wish to "lay down no rule of any sort" (p. 81) and that some cases need more frankness; each couple decides (pp. 81–82).
  • Sobriety isn't enough. A man who says sobriety is all he owes his family is like the farmer who comes out of his cyclone cellar, sees his house wrecked, and says the wind has stopped (p. 82). "A remorseful mumbling that we are sorry won't fill the bill at all" (p. 83). Sit down with the family, look at the past honestly, and don't criticize them (p. 83).
  • Don't preach at them. Unless they want to, don't urge spiritual principles on your family: "Our behavior will convince them more than our words" (p. 83).

What can't be fully set right

"There may be some wrongs we can never fully right" (p. 83). We don't worry about those if we can honestly say we'd right them if we could. People who can't be seen get "an honest letter" (p. 83). Some amends may have a valid reason to wait, but "we don't delay if it can be avoided" (p. 83). And the manner: sensible, tactful, considerate and humble "without being servile or scraping" (p. 83). "As God's people we stand on our feet; we don't crawl before anyone" (p. 83).

The promises that follow on pages 83–84 are tied to this part of the work: "If we are painstaking about this phase of our development" (p. 83). See Where are "the Promises," and what do they promise?

Read it yourself

Sources

Source Pages First published
Alcoholics Anonymous, Chapter 5, "How It Works" (Steps 8 and 9; the inventory) 59, 70 1939
Alcoholics Anonymous, Chapter 6, "Into Action" 76–84 1939

Page numbers are from the fourth edition (2001). The Preface says the program chapters have been "left largely untouched" since 1939 (p. xi), but our sources have no first edition to compare page numbers against.

Recovery Starts is independent and not affiliated with Alcoholics Anonymous. Quotations are brief and cited; the Big Book is © A.A. World Services, Inc.

These pages answer questions about A.A. from A.A.'s own published literature, read in full, with every quote checked word for word against the page it cites. Recovery Starts is independent and not affiliated with Alcoholics Anonymous. What we read, and when each source was written.