Who do I tell my Fifth Step to?
In short:
- The Big Book leaves the choice to you, and gives a list: a clergyman, a close-mouthed and understanding friend, your doctor or psychologist, or a family member, with care not to hurt them (p. 74).
- It doesn't say it has to be a sponsor, or an A.A. member at all. The word "sponsor" doesn't appear in the chapter.
- Chapter 7 tells the member carrying the message to offer to hear a newcomer's story, but "do not insist upon it if he prefers to consult someone else" (p. 96).
- What matters is that the person can keep a confidence, understands what you're doing, and won't try to change your plan (pp. 74–75).
The Step
Step 5 reads: "Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs." (p. 59) Chapter 6, "Into Action," explains it on pages 72 to 75.
Why another person at all
The book says admitting things only to ourselves isn't enough: "we usually find a solitary self-appraisal insufficient" (p. 72). Its first reason is blunt: "If we skip this vital step, we may not overcome drinking" (p. 72). Newcomers who kept certain facts to themselves nearly always got drunk, because they never finished their housecleaning (pp. 72–73). "We must be entirely honest with somebody" (p. 73), the book says, if we expect to live long or happily (pp. 73–74).
Who the book suggests
The book says to think well before choosing "the person or persons" (p. 74). Its suggestions, in its own order: 1. Clergy. Those whose religion requires confession will go to the proper authority. Those with no religious connection may still do well to talk with someone ordained, who is often quick to understand (p. 74). 2. A friend. If not clergy, "we search our acquaintance for a close-mouthed, understanding friend" (p. 74). 3. A doctor or psychologist (p. 74). 4. Family, with a limit. It may be a family member, but we can't tell our wives or parents anything that will hurt them. "We have no right to save our own skin at another person's expense" (p. 74). Those parts go to someone who will understand "yet be unaffected" (p. 74).
What the person needs to be: able to keep a confidence, fully understanding and approving what we're doing, and not trying to change our plan (pp. 74–75). We explain what we're about to do and why; most people asked this way "will be honored by our confidence" (p. 75).
If no suitable person is available, the Step may be put off, but only if we're ready to do it at the first chance, and never as "a mere excuse to postpone" (pp. 74–75).
What about A.A. members?
Chapter 7 shows a member offering. When a man has read the book and wants to go through with the Steps, the member who visited him lets him know he's available "if he wishes to make a decision and tell his story" (p. 96), the Third and Fifth Steps. But it's an offer, and the man is free to go to someone else (p. 96).
An early story in the back of the book, "He Sold Himself Short," describes Akron in 1937, before the Big Book was written, when Dr. Bob took a newcomer through a six-step program that included "Confession" (p. 263). So in that story an A.A. member heard it. But the program as written in Chapter 6 doesn't require that, and its list doesn't mention A.A. members at all.
Read it yourself
- Chapter 6, "Into Action" (pp. 72–88), with the Fifth Step on pages 72–75, free from A.A.: https://www.aa.org/sites/default/files/2021-11/en_bigbook_chapt6.pdf
- Chapter 7, "Working With Others" (pp. 89–103): https://www.aa.org/sites/default/files/2021-11/en_bigbook_chapt7.pdf
- Related: Do I have to get a sponsor? · Is the word "sponsor" in the Big Book?
- The full book, Alcoholics Anonymous, is sold by A.A. World Services at https://onlineliterature.aa.org.
Sources
| Source | Pages | First published |
|---|---|---|
| Alcoholics Anonymous, Chapter 5, "How It Works" (Step 5) | 59 | 1939 |
| Alcoholics Anonymous, Chapter 6, "Into Action" | 72–75 | 1939 |
| Alcoholics Anonymous, Chapter 7, "Working With Others" | 96 | 1939 |
| "He Sold Himself Short," Part I of the personal stories | 260, 263 | story describes Akron in 1937; a later retelling, read with care |
Page numbers are from the fourth edition (2001). The Preface says the program chapters have been "left largely untouched" since 1939 (p. xi), but our sources have no first edition to compare page numbers against.
Recovery Starts is independent and not affiliated with Alcoholics Anonymous. Quotations are brief and cited; the Big Book is © A.A. World Services, Inc.
These pages answer questions about A.A. from A.A.'s own published literature, read in full, with every quote checked word for word against the page it cites. Recovery Starts is independent and not affiliated with Alcoholics Anonymous. What we read, and when each source was written.