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What happens to the family after the drinking stops?

In short:

  • Chapter 9, "The Family Afterward" (pp. 122–135), says stopping drinking is only a beginning: "Cessation of drinking is but the first step away from a highly strained, abnormal condition." (p. 122). A doctor told the members that years of living with an alcoholic make the whole family, to some extent, ill (p. 122).
  • Its answer is that every member of the family, the alcoholic included, should "meet upon the common ground of tolerance, understanding and love" (p. 122), which means each one giving up the demand to have things his or her way.
  • It names the usual troubles: expecting the good old days back at once, digging up the past, the man who rushes to rebuild his finances or who becomes a religious enthusiast, the shift of authority at home, jealousy of his new activities, and children slow to forgive.
  • It closes on health and happiness: see good doctors, don't belittle them (p. 133), and enjoy life: "We absolutely insist on enjoying life." (p. 132).

The common ground (pp. 122–123)

The chapter begins by correcting an impression Chapter 8 might give, that the recovering husband is to be wrapped in cotton wool and put on a pedestal: "Successful readjustment means the opposite." (p. 122). Each person in the family has fixed ideas about how the others should treat him or her, and "the more one member of the family demands that the others concede to him, the more resentful they become" (p. 122). The question it asks of everyone: "Is he not unconsciously trying to see what he can take from the family life rather than give?" (p. 122).

The obstacles, in order

  • Wanting it all back now. The family remembers father as he once was and expects the good old days back at once. But the wreckage of years "will take time to clear away" (p. 123); the new structures "will take years to complete" (p. 123). "The wise family will admire him for what he is trying to be, rather than for what he is trying to get." (p. 123).
  • The past. The first impulse is to lock the skeletons in a closet. The chapter calls that self-centered: the alcoholic's past "thus becomes the principal asset of the family" (p. 124), because it can help other families still struggling. But dragging up old misdeeds in anger, such as a past affair, can become "a veritable plague" (p. 124); unless some good purpose is served, "past occurrences should not be discussed" (p. 125). And "we do not relate intimate experiences of another person unless we are sure he would approve" (p. 125).
  • The man who rushes at money. If he throws himself into rebuilding his finances, the family feels neglected and resentful; he feels unappreciated (pp. 125–126). Both are partly right. The family should remember "dad, though marvelously improved, is still convalescing" (p. 127). He should remember he is "mainly to blame for what befell his home" (p. 127). "For us, material well-being always followed spiritual progress; it never preceded." (p. 127).
  • The man who becomes a religious enthusiast. If instead he has a stirring spiritual experience and talks of nothing else, the family may resent "a God who has stolen dad's affections" (p. 128). The chapter's advice: let him have his head, even let him go as far as he likes in helping other alcoholics in the first days; it will do more for his sobriety than anything else (p. 129), and he'll come down to earth sooner in an understanding family (p. 129). "We have found nothing incompatible between a powerful spiritual experience and a life of sane and happy usefulness." (p. 130).
  • Who runs the house. Drinking made mother the head of the house; when father comes back to life and asserts himself, there will be trouble unless the family "comes to a friendly agreement" (p. 131).
  • Outside interests. The family may feel they hold "a mortgage on dad" (p. 131) and resent his time with other alcoholics, clubs or community work. Each must yield here and there, and his work with alcoholics "should be balanced" (p. 131). The family might join a religious body if it wishes; "there is nothing obligatory about it" (p. 132).
  • The children. They may "cordially hate him" (p. 134) for what he did to them and their mother, and stay hard long after their mother has accepted his new life. In time they'll see he is a new man and let him know it in their own way (p. 134).
  • Seeing is believing. "Whether the family goes on a spiritual basis or not, the alcoholic member has to if he would recover." (p. 135). In the story of the heavy smoker and coffee drinker, his wife nagged until he flew into a rage and got drunk. The book says he was "wrong—dead wrong" (p. 135) and had to mend his spiritual fences; she came to see she was wrong to make a burning issue of it while his more serious ailments were being cured (p. 135).

Health and happiness (pp. 132–134)

  • Laugh. "We absolutely insist on enjoying life." (p. 132). "We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free." (p. 133).
  • Health. A body badly burned by alcohol doesn't recover overnight. A spiritual way of living is a powerful restorative, but "this does not mean that we disregard human health measures" (p. 133). Doctors and psychiatrists are "often indispensable" (p. 133). If a man is impotent after stopping, consult a doctor or psychologist if it persists (p. 134). See Does the Big Book say to stay away from doctors, medicine or psychiatry?

The chapter ends with three mottoes: "First Things First," "Live and Let Live," "Easy Does It" (p. 135).

Read it yourself

Sources

Source Pages First published
Alcoholics Anonymous, Chapter 9, "The Family Afterward" 122–135 1939

Big Book page numbers are from the fourth edition (2001). The Preface says the program chapters have been "left largely untouched" since 1939 (p. xi).

Recovery Starts is independent and not affiliated with Alcoholics Anonymous. Quotations are brief and cited; the Big Book is © A.A. World Services, Inc.

These pages answer questions about A.A. from A.A.'s own published literature, read in full, with every quote checked word for word against the page it cites. Recovery Starts is independent and not affiliated with Alcoholics Anonymous. What we read, and when each source was written.