Self-Will Run Riot in the Big Book

The phrase 'self-will run riot' comes from page 62 of the Big Book, in the chapter How It Works. The full sentence tells us that 'the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so' (page 62). Self-will run riot means a life powered entirely by our own plans, our own demands, and our own ideas of how everyone around us should behave, with nothing to check any of it. To run riot is to run wild. We wanted what we wanted, we pushed until we got it, and we usually could not see that we were the ones doing the pushing.

The Big Book does not leave the diagnosis vague. Just before that sentence it delivers the verdict: 'Selfishness—self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles' (page 62). Then it adds, 'So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making' (page 62). That can sound harsh at first, but it may be the most hopeful idea in the whole chapter. If our troubles came from other people, we would have to fix other people. Because they arise in us, the repair can happen in us. The rest of the book is a set of directions for exactly that repair.

The Actor Who Wants to Run the Whole Show

To show us what self-will looks like from the outside, the Big Book paints a picture on pages 60 and 61. Each of us is like an actor who wants to run the whole show, forever trying to arrange the lights, the scenery, and the other players to suit himself. If only our arrangements would stay put, if only people would do as we wished, the show would be great and everybody would be pleased. The first requirement of Step Three is to be convinced that 'any life run on self-will can hardly be a success' (page 60).

The book is careful to say the actor is not always a villain. Sometimes he is kind and patient, sometimes he is mean and dishonest, and often his motives are genuinely good (pages 60-61). But the show still does not come off. So he tries harder, and when life still refuses to cooperate he becomes angry, indignant, and full of self-pity, blaming everyone but himself (page 61). The book then asks a question that stings a little: even at his best, is he not producing confusion rather than harmony (page 61)?

Selfishness and Self-Centeredness, the Root of Our Troubles

Page 62 goes on: 'Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate.' Notice the first word on that list. Our selfishness was never strength; it was fear wearing a costume. Sometimes we seemed to be hurt without any provocation at all, but the book says we invariably found that some earlier decision, based on self, had placed us in a position to be hurt (page 62).

Then the book raises the stakes: 'Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us!' (page 62). That is life-and-death language on purpose, because a self-centered life keeps producing the very pain we drank to escape. The book is just as honest about the limits of willpower. We could not reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or by trying on our own power; we had to have God's help (page 62).

Quitting the Job of Playing God

The way out begins with a resignation. 'First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't work' (page 62). Then comes a new arrangement: 'Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director' (page 62). Notice that we do not leave the stage. We keep our part; we simply stop trying to direct everyone else's. That decision is Step Three, and the book says that when we sincerely took such a position, remarkable things followed, and we became less interested in ourselves and more interested in what we could contribute to life (page 63).

The Third Step Prayer on page 63 asks God to 'Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will' (page 63). Bondage is the right word. The Big Book treats self-will not as a privilege we surrender but as a prison we get released from, and the release is renewed daily. On pages 87 and 88 the book tells us to pause when agitated or doubtful, ask for the right thought or action, and remind ourselves that we are no longer running the show. That is the actor image coming back around: we play our part, do the next right thing, and let the Director handle the plot.