What if the person I'm helping doesn't want it?
In short:
- Don't try to talk him into it. "If he does not want to stop drinking, don't waste time trying to persuade him" (p. 90). "If he does not want to see you, never force yourself upon him" (p. 90).
- Leave him free. Tell him he's under no obligation and needn't see you again, and don't be offended if he calls it off (p. 94). If he prefers another way, encourage him to follow his own conscience and stay friendly (p. 95).
- Then find someone who does want it. "Search out another alcoholic and try again" (p. 96). Keep being friendly to his family (p. 97).
- The book doesn't treat this as giving up on him. Left alone, he may become convinced he can't recover by himself (p. 96), or change his mind "after he gets hurt some more" (p. 95).
What Chapter 7 says (pp. 90–97)
Before you meet. If he doesn't want to stop, don't try to persuade him: "You may spoil a later opportunity" (p. 90). The same goes for his family, who should be patient with a sick man (p. 90). If he won't see you, don't force it; the family shouldn't plead with him, and should wait for the end of his next drinking bout (p. 90). "You might place this book where he can see it in the interval" (p. 90).
During the visit. If he rebels against parts of the program, "Do not contradict such views" (p. 94). Tell him you once felt the same (p. 94). Make it clear "that he is not under pressure, that he needn't see you again if he doesn't want to" (p. 94). "You should not be offended if he wants to call it off, for he has helped you more than you have helped him" (p. 94). Don't wear out your welcome, and let him steer the talk (p. 95).
If he isn't interested. If he wants only a banker or a nurse for his sprees, "you may have to drop him until he changes his mind" (p. 95). If he's interested, he must still decide for himself, and "should not be pushed or prodded by you, his wife, or his friends" (p. 95). If he wants another spiritual approach: "encourage him to follow his own conscience" (p. 95), say you'd like to be friendly in any case, and "Let it go at that" (p. 95).
Then move on. "Do not be discouraged if your prospect does not respond at once" (p. 96). "We find it a waste of time to keep chasing a man who cannot or will not work with you" (p. 96). The reason is the next man: "To spend too much time on any one situation is to deny some other alcoholic an opportunity to live and be happy" (p. 96). One member failed with his first half dozen prospects, and says that if he'd kept at them he might have cost many others their chance (p. 96).
Don't drop the family. "Though an alcoholic does not respond, there is no reason why you should neglect his family" (p. 97).
The same advice to wives
Chapter 8 tells a wife whose husband is lukewarm or thinks he isn't an alcoholic to leave him alone and not urge the program on him: "The seed has been planted in his mind" (p. 113). "The more you hurry him the longer his recovery may be delayed" (p. 113).
The first members met this too
Chapter 11: after the third man recovered, "After several failures to find others, a fourth turned up" (p. 158). Dr. Bob, in his 1948 talk, said that before Akron, Bill "had not created a single convert, not one" (P-53), though he had worked tirelessly. They kept looking for the next one.
What the text doesn't say
It doesn't say to write him off. Every instruction here keeps the door open: don't spoil a later chance (p. 90), drop him "until he changes his mind" (p. 95), stay friendly (p. 95), keep helping his family (p. 97). What it rules out is pressure.
Read it yourself
- Chapter 7, "Working With Others" (pp. 89–103), free from A.A.: https://www.aa.org/sites/default/files/2021-11/en_bigbook_chapt7.pdf
- Chapter 8, "To Wives" (pp. 104–121): https://www.aa.org/sites/default/files/2021-11/en_bigbook_chapt8.pdf
- The Co-Founders of Alcoholics Anonymous (P-53), with Dr. Bob's talk: https://www.aa.org/sites/default/files/literature/P-53_0725.pdf
- Related: Can we approach someone who is still drinking? · What does Step 12 really say?
Sources
| Source | Pages | Date |
|---|---|---|
| Alcoholics Anonymous, Chapter 7, "Working With Others" | 90–97 | 1939 |
| Alcoholics Anonymous, Chapter 8, "To Wives" | 113 | 1939 |
| Alcoholics Anonymous, Chapter 11, "A Vision for You" | 158 | 1939 |
| Dr. Bob's last major talk, in P-53 The Co-Founders of Alcoholics Anonymous | P-53 p. 9 | talk given December 1948; first printed in the Grapevine, June 1973; pamphlet © 2017 |
Big Book page numbers are from the fourth edition (2001). The Preface says the program chapters have been "left largely untouched" since 1939 (p. xi), but our sources have no first edition to compare page numbers against.
Recovery Starts is independent and not affiliated with Alcoholics Anonymous. Quotations are brief and cited. The Big Book and P-53 are © A.A. World Services, Inc.; Dr. Bob's talk is © AA Grapevine, Inc.
These pages answer questions about A.A. from A.A.'s own published literature, read in full, with every quote checked word for word against the page it cites. Recovery Starts is independent and not affiliated with Alcoholics Anonymous. What we read, and when each source was written.