What does the Big Book say about helping the drinker's family?
In short:
- Help them, even if the drinker won't respond. "Though an alcoholic does not respond, there is no reason why you should neglect his family" (p. 97). Offer them your way of life (p. 97).
- When you work with a man and his family, stay out of their quarrels, help them see he has been very sick, and teach them by telling how your own home recovered, not by criticizing (p. 100).
- Two whole chapters are for families: Chapter 8, "To Wives," written in the voice of the wives of early members, addressed to the wives of men who drink (p. 104), and Chapter 9, "The Family Afterward."
- The first members did this from the start. When a man didn't recover, they tried to bring his family into a spiritual way of living (p. 159).
In Chapter 7 (pp. 89–103)
The family is part of the work from the first step: - Before you meet him. If he seems to want to stop, have a good talk with the person most interested in him, usually his wife, to learn about him (p. 90). The family should be patient, "realizing they are dealing with a sick person" (p. 90), shouldn't plead with him, and shouldn't try to tell your story (pp. 90–91). Meeting him through a doctor or hospital is better than through the family (p. 91), and leave the family out of the first talk (p. 91). - If he won't respond. "You should continue to be friendly to them. The family should be offered your way of life" (p. 97). If they practice spiritual principles there's a better chance he'll recover, "And even though he continues to drink, the family will find life more bearable" (p. 97). - The cost. Helping others may mean "counseling frantic wives and relatives" (p. 97). - When he's recovering. He should make what reparation he can and live his new principles at home, without fault-finding, even where the family is partly at fault (p. 98). There should be no hurry to reunite after a separation, and "Let no alcoholic say he cannot recover unless he has his family back" (p. 99). - Your conduct with them. "You should take care not to participate in their quarrels" (p. 100). Urge them to treat him as a very sick person, warn against resentment and jealousy, and point out his defects won't vanish overnight (p. 100). "The story of how you and your wife settled your difficulties is worth any amount of criticism" (p. 100).
Chapter 8, "To Wives" (pp. 104–121)
Written in 1939 in the voice of "the wives of Alcoholics Anonymous" (p. 104), for anyone "bound by ties of blood or affection to an alcoholic" (p. 104). (A note added later says it assumed the drinker was the husband because there were few women in A.A. then, p. 104.) Some of what it says: - Treat him as sick: "Treat him, when you can, as though he had pneumonia" (p. 108). It makes an exception for men who are "thoroughly bad-intentioned," and says a wife may feel she had better leave (p. 108). - "Never tell him what he must do about his drinking" (p. 111), and don't let his drinking spoil your relations with your children or friends (p. 111). - Meanwhile, "you might try to help the wife of another serious drinker" (p. 112). - Wives found they needed the program too, and urge others to try it (pp. 116–117). - When he recovers and spends long hours with other alcoholics, join him: "direct some of your thought to the wives of his new alcoholic friends" (p. 119).
Chapter 9, "The Family Afterward" (pp. 122–135)
- The whole family is affected. A doctor told the members that years with an alcoholic make the family, "to some extent, ill" (p. 122).
- The family's painful past becomes something to give: "each family which has been relieved owes something to those who have not" (p. 124).
- Let him go as far as he likes in helping other alcoholics in those first days (p. 129), but in time this should be balanced with his family and community (p. 131).
How it was done at first
Chapter 11 says that in early Akron, when a man failed, the members "made an effort to bring the man's family into a spiritual way of living, thus relieving much worry and suffering" (p. 159). A couple opened their home, and "Many a distracted wife" found there women who understood her problem, and advice on how her husband might be hospitalized and approached (p. 160).
A later development
A footnote added to Chapter 8 says Al-Anon Family Groups formed about thirteen years after the chapter was written, separate from A.A. but using its principles (p. 121). The 1939 text itself expects A.A. members and their wives to help families directly.
Read it yourself
- Chapter 7, "Working With Others" (pp. 89–103), free from A.A.: https://www.aa.org/sites/default/files/2021-11/en_bigbook_chapt7.pdf
- Chapter 8, "To Wives" (pp. 104–121): https://www.aa.org/sites/default/files/2021-11/en_bigbook_chapt8.pdf
- Chapter 9, "The Family Afterward" (pp. 122–135): https://www.aa.org/sites/default/files/2021-11/en_bigbook_chapt9.pdf
- Chapter 11, A Vision for You (pp. 151–164): https://www.aa.org/sites/default/files/2021-11/en_bigbook_chapt11.pdf
- Related: What does Step 12 really say?
Sources
| Source | Pages | First published |
|---|---|---|
| Alcoholics Anonymous, Chapter 7, "Working With Others" | 90–100 | 1939 |
| Alcoholics Anonymous, Chapter 8, "To Wives" | 104–121 | 1939 (footnotes on pp. 104 and 121 added in later editions) |
| Alcoholics Anonymous, Chapter 9, "The Family Afterward" | 122–131 | 1939 |
| Alcoholics Anonymous, Chapter 11, "A Vision for You" | 159–160 | 1939 |
Page numbers are from the fourth edition (2001). The Preface says the program chapters have been "left largely untouched" since 1939 (p. xi), but our sources have no first edition to compare page numbers against.
Recovery Starts is independent and not affiliated with Alcoholics Anonymous. Quotations are brief and cited; the Big Book is © A.A. World Services, Inc.
These pages answer questions about A.A. from A.A.'s own published literature, read in full, with every quote checked word for word against the page it cites. Recovery Starts is independent and not affiliated with Alcoholics Anonymous. What we read, and when each source was written.