Is "we're only as sick as our secrets" in the Big Book?
In short:
- No. The saying isn't in the Big Book or anywhere else in our sources.
- Its idea is close to the Fifth Step in Chapter 6: of newcomers who tried to keep certain facts about their lives to themselves, the book says "Almost invariably they got drunk." (pp. 72–73), and "We must be entirely honest with somebody if we expect to live long or happily in this world." (pp. 73–74).
- The text also sets limits the saying leaves out: choose the person carefully, tell family nothing that would hurt them (those parts go to someone unaffected), keep other people's confidences, and don't dig up the past unless it serves a good purpose (pp. 74, 81, 125).
What the search found
All our sources were searched for "sick as," "secret(s)," "skeletons" and "double life," with page breaks joined. The saying doesn't appear. In the program text "secret" appears once, for a husband's "secret and exciting affair" (p. 81).
What the program text says about keeping things hidden
The Fifth Step's reason. Chapter 6 gives "The best reason first: If we skip this vital step, we may not overcome drinking." (p. 72). "Time after time newcomers have tried to keep to themselves certain facts about their lives." (p. 72). "Almost invariably they got drunk." (p. 73). They had taken inventory, the book says, "but hung on to some of the worst items in stock" (p. 73).
The double life. "More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life." (p. 73). He pushes the memories of his sprees deep inside and "hopes they will never see the light of day" (p. 73). "He is under constant fear and tension—that makes for more drinking." (p. 73). That passage is the closest the book comes to the saying: what is hidden keeps him afraid and drinking.
The result of telling. "Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted." (p. 75). "Our fears fall from us." (p. 75).
Every day after. Step Ten: when selfishness, dishonesty, resentment or fear crop up, "We discuss them with someone immediately" (p. 84). The nightly review asks: "Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once?" (p. 86).
Dr. Bob. Chapter 11 says he "lived in constant worry about those who might find out about his alcoholism" (p. 155). After his last spree he went round and told the people he feared, "and learned that many knew of his drinking" (p. 156). See: Who do I tell my Fifth Step to?
The limits the text sets
The program text doesn't say "tell everyone everything." It says tell someone everything, with care:
- Choose the person. "Rightly and naturally, we think well before we choose the person or persons with whom to take this intimate and confidential step." (p. 74). It is important "that he be able to keep a confidence" (p. 74).
- Don't hurt others to relieve yourself. "We have no right to save our own skin at another person's expense." (p. 74). We cannot disclose anything to wives or parents "which will hurt them and make them unhappy" (p. 74); such parts go to someone who will understand "yet be unaffected" (p. 74). On an affair the wife doesn't know about, should he tell her? "Not always, we think." (p. 81).
- Others' secrets stay theirs. "We do not relate intimate experiences of another person unless we are sure he would approve." (p. 125).
- The past, with purpose. The family's dark past can be its greatest asset when it helps others (p. 124), and A.A. families "keep few skeletons in the closet" (p. 125). But "unless some good and useful purpose is to be served, past occurrences should not be discussed" (p. 125).
What this means
The saying matches one of the book's strongest warnings: facts held back from the Fifth Step lead back to drinking, and the double life feeds fear and more drinking. The book's own answer is to be entirely honest with somebody, a carefully chosen somebody, while protecting other people from harm. A reader who takes the saying to mean that every secret must be told to everyone has gone past the text.
Read it yourself
- Chapter 6, "Into Action" (pp. 72–75, 84–86): https://www.aa.org/sites/default/files/2021-11/en_bigbook_chapt6.pdf
- Chapter 9, "The Family Afterward" (pp. 123–125): https://www.aa.org/sites/default/files/2021-11/en_bigbook_chapt9.pdf
- Chapter 11, "A Vision for You" (pp. 155–156): https://www.aa.org/sites/default/files/2021-11/en_bigbook_chapt11.pdf
Sources
| Source | Pages | Date |
|---|---|---|
| All our sources (searched) | — | various |
| Alcoholics Anonymous, Chapters 6, 9, 11 | 72–75, 81, 84–86, 123–125, 155–156 | 1939 |
Recovery Starts is independent and not affiliated with Alcoholics Anonymous. Quotations are brief and cited; the Big Book is © A.A. World Services, Inc.
These pages answer questions about A.A. from A.A.'s own published literature, read in full, with every quote checked word for word against the page it cites. Recovery Starts is independent and not affiliated with Alcoholics Anonymous. What we read, and when each source was written.