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My husband (or wife) drinks. What does the Big Book say to do?

In short:

  • Chapter 8, "To Wives" (pp. 104–121), is the Big Book's answer. It was written in 1939 in the voice of members' wives, addressed to the wives of men who drink (the later history books say Bill W. wrote it), and its suggestions "may be adapted" for anyone living with an alcoholic, man or woman (p. 104, later-edition note).
  • Its core advice: don't be angry, don't nag or tell him what he must do about his drinking, don't let his drinking ruin your life with your children and friends, and treat him as a sick person, "as though he had pneumonia" (p. 108).
  • It also makes an exception for a husband who is "thoroughly bad-intentioned" (p. 108), on whom no amount of patience will make any difference: "If you are positive he is one of this type you may feel you had better leave." (p. 108).
  • It ends by urging the wife to try the program herself: the wives found that putting spiritual principles to work "solves our problems too" (p. 116). Al-Anon, which uses the general principles of the A.A. program as a guide, was formed about thirteen years after the chapter was written and is entirely separate from A.A. (p. 121, later-edition note).

Who wrote it, and for whom

The chapter is in the voice of "wives of Alcoholics Anonymous" (p. 104), some of whose problems had been solved and some not. The book itself doesn't say who held the pen. Both later history books say Bill W. wrote it: "Bill himself wrote the chapter that came to be called 'To Wives'" (Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers, 1980), and Lois W. recalled, "Bill wrote it, and I was mad" (Pass It On, 1984); she had offered to write it, and he wanted it in the same style as the rest of the book (Pass It On). What they say, they write, "will apply to nearly everyone bound by ties of blood or affection to an alcoholic" (p. 104). A later-edition footnote says it was written when there were few women in A.A. and so assumes the drinker is the husband, but "many of the suggestions given here may be adapted to help the person who lives with a woman alcoholic" (p. 104).

What they went through (pp. 104–108)

The opening pages are a frank list of what the wives lived with and how they reacted: lies to protect pride and reputation, begging, patience, striking out, running away, retaliatory affairs, loneliness, money that "melted like snow in June" (p. 106), violence toward the children and the home, and at the end "commitment to health resorts, sanitariums, hospitals, and jails" (p. 107). Many of their mistakes, they say, "rose out of ignorance of alcoholism" (p. 107).

The main advice

  • He is sick. "Try not to condemn your alcoholic husband no matter what he says or does." (p. 108). "He is just another very sick, unreasonable person." (p. 108). "Treat him, when you can, as though he had pneumonia." (p. 108).
  • Except when he means harm. "We realize some men are thoroughly bad-intentioned, that no amount of patience will make any difference." (p. 108). Such a man may use the chapter "as a club over your head" (p. 108), and the wife shouldn't let him. "Is it right to let him ruin your life and the lives of your children?" (p. 108).
  • Know what you're dealing with. The chapter describes four kinds of drinking husband: the heavy drinker who may moderate or stop; the one showing loss of control, with "the earmarks of a real alcoholic" (p. 109); the one much further gone, of whom "You can be quite hopeful" (p. 110); and the one whose family has despaired, who may still recover (p. 110).
  • Never angry. "The first principle of success is that you should never be angry." (p. 111). Even if she has to leave temporarily, she should go without rancor (p. 111).
  • Don't tell him what to do. "Our next thought is that you should never tell him what he must do about his drinking." (p. 111). If he sees her as a nag, her chances of helping "may be zero" (p. 111).
  • Your own life. "Be determined that your husband's drinking is not going to spoil your relations with your children or your friends." (p. 111). "It is possible to have a full and useful life, though your husband continues to drink." (p. 111). "Do not set your heart on reforming your husband." (p. 111).
  • When he's ready to talk. Let him bring it up. Suggest he read the book, or just the chapter on alcoholism (pp. 111–112). For the second kind of husband, after a binge, ask whether he would really like to stop for good, not for her sake (p. 112). If he isn't interested, leave him alone; "the more you hurry him the longer his recovery may be delayed" (p. 113).
  • Don't lie for him. Avoid covering for him with his employer and friends; "Whenever possible, let your husband explain." (p. 115). Quietly letting friends know the nature of his illness ends much of the embarrassment (p. 115).
  • Children. Unless they need protection from their father, don't take sides in his arguments with them while he's drinking (p. 115).
  • If he loses his job, it may prove a blessing, opening the way to his wanting to stop (p. 116).
  • Committed or dangerous. If he can't or won't stop and becomes too dangerous, "we think the kind thing is to lock them up, but of course a good doctor should always be consulted" (p. 114). "But sometimes you must start life anew." (p. 114).

Try the program yourself (pp. 116–117)

The wives found they too had pride, self-pity, vanity and selfishness, and that "it was a silly idea that we were too good to need God" (p. 116). When they put spiritual principles to work, they say, "we find it solves our problems too" (p. 116). "We urge you to try our program" (p. 117).

If he stops drinking (pp. 117–121)

Not every problem goes away. The chapter warns against resentment that "the contents of a book or the work of another alcoholic" did in weeks what her love couldn't do in years (p. 118), against jealousy of the time he spends helping other alcoholics (p. 119), and against trying to shield him from temptation (p. 120). If he slips after a fair start and really wants to stop, "it is by no means a bad thing in some cases" (p. 120). "If he gets drunk, don't blame yourself." (p. 120).

For the time after the drinking stops, see What happens to the family after the drinking stops?

Help beyond the chapter

A later-edition note at the end of the chapter (p. 121) points to Al-Anon Family Groups, formed about thirteen years after the chapter was written and "entirely separate from Alcoholics Anonymous" (p. 121). See Is Al-Anon part of A.A.?

Read it yourself

Sources

Source Pages First published
Alcoholics Anonymous, Chapter 8, "To Wives" 104–121 1939
Alcoholics Anonymous, Chapter 8 footnotes (on the chapter's assumptions; on Al-Anon) 104, 121 added in later editions
Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers (who wrote the chapter) — 1980
Pass It On (who wrote the chapter) — 1984

Big Book page numbers are from the fourth edition (2001). Recovery Starts is independent and not affiliated with Alcoholics Anonymous or Al-Anon Family Groups. Quotations are brief and cited; the Big Book and the history books are © A.A. World Services, Inc.

These pages answer questions about A.A. from A.A.'s own published literature, read in full, with every quote checked word for word against the page it cites. Recovery Starts is independent and not affiliated with Alcoholics Anonymous. What we read, and when each source was written.